Love And Other Four Letter Words

Life always never seem to go through the course we chart for it and that's our cross as humans but when it comes to love, it seems most times to go in the opposite direction... derailing from a set course is too mundane for love, it sets and follows it's own path. When I was young (I stopped being young a long time ago),i didn't have a crush, not that I didn't want one, of course I wanted a crush,it was the rave back then (everyone had one or two) but I just couldn't summon enough interest to be silly over another silly human, to bat my eyelids when they pass or swoon and sigh clutching my heart in mock pain(i esp hated the swooning and sighing) and then stand in dark corners after school, giggling and stealing kisses (my oddity is not a today thing lol). So for a long time I felt there was something wrong with me and because I didn't have any boy gist,it affected my friendship with the girls, so you know what I did? I became friends with the boys instead of crushing on them and during lunch break, while the girls would wink at and gist about the boys in clusters,I sat at the back with them and made them buy me lunch (this obviously didn't endear me to the girls but I frankly didn't care). What this taught me? Well it gave me absolutely no tolerance to crap from both sex,it made me immune to heartbreaks(if you go through your teens without a heartbreak or crush,you're made for life) and most importantly, it makes me appreciate other sensible females.(and sensible females, who actually use their brains for thinking are rarer than unicorns). If you are in love with someone and it goes like a scripted hollywood movie,then either you or the other person is faking it,and in this case it's probably the other person(run for ya life!), if it's full of strife and commotion, you can't get a breather,then, you are in war not love(you cannot come and go and kill yourself away just like that) Maybe, whenever you see your love interest, your heart "quickeneth", you're short of breath and you can only grin and nod your head, you're not in-love but in-fool (stop going upandan grinning like a Cheshire cat) or whenever you see them all you can see is their clothes on the floor,well,

we all know that's Almighty lust. But you see love? Love is not a feeling. Feelings are emotions and emotions are unpredictable, here today, gone tomorrow. In love and other four lettered words, love is the only thing that's solely a decision. So yes! You have to be thing straight, devoid of emotions to make this decision, understand that emotions and feelings will only cloud your judgement. Because feelings last but a minute but decisions will affect you for a lifetime.

Depression and Other Illness Nigerians Are Not Meant To Have

I remember seeing the series Glee in my university days,one of the characters has chronic OCD and I recall laughing with my friends about it because in Nigeria you can't be diagnosed for liking clean places,heck,you're more likely to be praised(you're even a better wife material)...guys will be like,"oh she likes to clean? I better marry her quick then". Have you not wondered how Nigerians in the diaspora are allowed to suffer from these type of illness but not Nigerians in Nigeria? Like there are things you don't have the luxury to be ill of,but the question is apart from our sense of humour(which is frankly disturbing)what exactly do we have going for us? You know a cleptomaniac in Nigeria is a thief,there is no such disease. So what exactly do we have going then??? Is it the witch hunting government,poor educational system,systematic and annual outbreak of epidemic,bad health care(good ones are very expensive),our national reaction to things,the mismanagement of our beautiful natural resources,the blatant disregard for the people by the government? Why exactly will someone say," you're a Nigerian,get over your depression you have no reason to it". It's because we've grown accustomed to suffering, we've accepted it as our birthright so we must therefore not complain. We work jobs where they pay us 50k and 40k of it goes into transportation but hey!at the least I have a job right! We've accepted mediocrity, so we don't expect so much from ourselves. We don't even aim for good things. In the case of diseases Nigerians can't suffer from,a man commits suicide and instead of asking for the cause,people wonder how he could even think of it and actually goes ahead with it meanwhile another man does the same thing while we are castigating the first. We are not allowed to be depressed,maniacal,suicidal or have OCD but wait, Ebola is totally acceptable, so is Lassa fever,bird flu,meningitis and many more, because these are more fitting and worthy?(I am seriously confused here) Why do the African believe the only way out is the hard way out? Why are girls advised not to report rape to save their reputation which is already destroyed anyway? Why does the African have a crab mentality? Wasn't it funny how the indigenous whites of south Africa raped their land,subjugated them,killed and generally subdued them but they attack fellow Africans for their misery? The question is, in the case of Nigerians and those sicknesses they are not allowed to suffer from,who's winning??

MATURITY: Its Age, Misuse, Respect And Contemporaries

MATURITY: All my life(till date I might add), I've had a morbid fear and hatred of drugs, most people don't understand it. when I was quite little I would throw up and cause all manner of brouhaha(nice word huh? Hehehe thank you don't mention)and when I became a little older, I devised a method,i would make a face even though I didn't swallow the drugs(maturity?), but my dad found out and will make me open my hand,then search my mouth(smart man). So I devised another means(which lasted till I went to the university),i would throw the tantrum,in the midst of it I will throw the drugs under my bed,then put my empty hand into my mouth while throwing my head back,make the face and ask for Fanta to wash out the taste of the drug I didn't swallow(i was smart even then)and when my dad searches my hand and mouth there's nothing, at a point he stopped searching(when I left for school, there was enough drugs under my bed for a pharmacy lol). Then,i got to the university (whoop!!whooop!!!)where I didn't take any drugs and there was nobody to make me,i wouldn't go to a hospital when sick unless I got so sick my friends had to take me and when I got out, I didn't bother with the drugs(my family will call on the phone to no avail),i would even quarrel with friends when they insist I take it(maturity??). Then, after university, nobody even bothered me about drugs again, they just expect me to know better and if I don't want the drugs, then it's to my own detriment not theirs so they let me be. But you know something? I had gone to the hospital sometime ago and my Incredibly Hot Man (IHM) had to pay a boatload of money(our money)for a little service(good medicare is expensive in lagos)and. they had prescribed some drugs for me which we eventually got from their pharmacy. My IHM had said to me(knowing of my fight with drugs lol),"you really need to take this drugs",that was all and Voila!!! Today with no prompting, no promises, no threats, no arm twisting, I went to the cabinet, took out the drug,and after crying silently in repulsion,took the drug(maturity!!!). IT'S AGE: It's a myth that age and maturity are related, one has absolutely nothing to do with the other(no two things could be more unrelated).Maturity is your intellect, how far you're willing to think outside the box,how advanced your knowledge of people,life and the world is. Maturity is your willingness to see the future

and see your self in it and Age has nothing to do with these. Someone can be mature for their age, but still not mature enough. Most importantly, maturity has absolutely and totally nothing to do with achievement, matter of fact, most times,achievement hinders or aids the maturing process(it actually hinders more than it aids). Someone once said to me, I prefer older women because they are more mature but how old a person is, usually doesn't say much about how mature they are Maturity is enlightenment not age. MISUSE: People like to use maturity as a shield, ornament and most times a weapon. They are fund of saying things like," I am mature,so am going to let this slide" or "if not for maturity, I would've taught you a lesson"(gaan take several seats my friend!). If you're indeed mature,then people around you will know without you having to state it so often. Being mature is knowing the battles are not important but the war is(most people can't even tell the difference between a battle and a war). IT'S RESPECT: 2 be continued.......

Making The Choice

Everybody knows the scandalous tale of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on the set of Mr and Mrs Smith and how it ruined Brad Pitt's marriage to Jennifer Aniston?(you do?? Good!lets move on).what we all probably don't know is that Aniston didn't want kids(she still doesn't,something about her figure ) while good ol' Brad was a sucker for the little people and that was the crux of his infidelity(he's faithful to Jolie who's on a child rearing mission). Marriage is about making these kinda choices, and then when the kids starts coming my dear just fogerit. It might be little things like your favorite hangout spots, the clothes you like,where you live(I had sworn to myself I will not marry someone who lives in Lagos but here we are)or big things like a juicy job or a career or your sense of humour (that's a no no) but basically you lose somethings without even knowing it. So,why not marry like minds,that way, whatever you lose will be little compared to marrying someone worlds apart. If you don't want kids,marrying someone who does and hoping they'll change their mind is just a recipe for disaster, if you're a party bird look for someone like you... if you're a neat freak, look for your kind and yes!!! it's as simple as that. Get the basics right first before talking about their political orientation or what they think about American football in comparison to soccer. Will you make sacrifices? Yep (a lot actually)but the right kind. The type that makes you proud of what you got in exchange. Love is good and all but if love doesn't make smile, if love doesn't educate you,if love doesn't make you better, if love make you tingle in all kind of strange places(wink),if love is not reassuring, if love is not your sane then brother,sister do you know you're lost oh? Because at end of the day,your sacrifices will be ashes on your lips. So yes, make a choice but make sure you make THE CHOICE

that pays you well, forget what they say,marriage is first about you before anything else.

Calling A Spade What It Is

So, the other day,in the midst of a conversation with someone I will call "the bleacher" for the purposes of this blog. We were having a random talk as girls are wont to do and without warning it got to be about Maheeda(the gospel singer turned soft porn artist/nudist),i had stated my displeasure with her lifestyle esp since she has a teenage daughter and all, and my friend, the bleacher had said, " I like Maheeda, she's a role model,she does whatever she likes and moreover,don't judge her". This is exactly what brought America to where it is today, first it started with don't call fat people fat,it's body shaming, so the fat people became obesed and died from heart attack at the age of 30 but hey!! We didn't body shame them now did we? Then blacks became African Americans but even with the new name racist continued unchecked and the new one is don't call someone a slut or thot it's their choice.(oh hell no) And guess what, that trend is now in Nigeria, I don't know when it got here but I woke up one morning and there it was;girls will twerk and go naked on instagram for likes and followers but if you see anything wrong with it then you're a hater, sugar daddies paying the house rent, trips abroad on business class tickets,houses and cars they can't afford, if you say nne but this is wrong,then you're an enemy of progress or just jealous. And we are gently buying into this idea, of calling a spade a soup spoon but hey just shut up, you don't want to judge now do you(remember what master J told us now). We should know that if it bleats like a goat,eat grass,has little horns and live in shed then, it is a goat(it can't be a chicken). Did you hear the story? Of the girl who posed in front of her father's mansion, took a picture, uploaded on instagram, then the real owner of the house saw the picture and exposed her???(and people said beti why did she do that),because we live in country now when appearances and social media is all that matters. So before they catch your friend out on instagram, tell them that's a spade! Calling it a spoon won't change what it is...... Tell a friend, to tell a friend,to tell their mutual friend Missundahstood said so....

The Fisherman's Donkey Theory

A long time ago (well not that long ago),a grumpy wise old monkey had befriended a crocodile. The monkey live on top of a cluster of banana trees not far away from the mouth of the swamp,so the crocodile will sit on the foot of the trees while conversing with the monkey who's on the top. One day, the crocodile said the to the monkey (who was plump and well fed though old), "I have told my family a lot about you and they will really like to meet you esp my mother". The monkey thought about this for a while and decided no harm could possibly come out of it,so the picked a date for the visit. On the day picked, the Croc came very early in the morning and picked the monkey(on his back) and they set out, when they got close he saw a gathering of crocodiles, quite a number,and before he could even disembark, a large Croc gripped him from behind and made to swallow him, before he knew what was happening another grabbed his legs, while he heard his friend saying,"take it easy everyone, there's enough to go round". He turned and twisted, until luckily, he felt his legs free and then kicking savagely at a Croc, he jumped to a nearby tree and went home. A few weeks later, when he had regained some strength and could feel his legs again, guess who showed up? Yes!you're right!! The Croc. "My friend, he said, am sorry for the way things turned out the other day, my family is a boisterous one, they were just too happy to see you, but don't worry have talked some sense into them and they are sorry" "Oh that's good ", said the monkey "Glad we've sorted that out, so if you'll just jump unto my back again,we can go back because they want to apologise to you in person", the Croc said "Hahahah, laughed the old and wise monkey, "I will tell you a beautiful story about the fisherman's donkey".... .... so,this is the story the wise old monkey told the wily crocodile..... A fisherman had a donkey who was sickly and quite useless to him so he decided to sell him to the man for man who makes dog food for quite a good sum. The donkey scared she will be killed then ran away on the way to the market. There was a wild forest near the village and this was where the donkey ran into. After a few weeks of eating fresh grass, roaming free and drinking good spring water, the donkey became well, robust and blossomed into quite a beauty. One day, she heard a groan emanating from a den, a tired and painful groan, and decided to know what it is. She went to the mouth of the den, and discovered an old weak lying inside.... "Hello beautiful, can you come close let me admire your bea

uty", the lion said, "In all my years in this forest I have never seen any animal as beautiful as you are, if I had, I would have married her" The donkey quite flattered by the praise took a nimble step deeper into the cave. "Oh my!! Exclaimed the lion, "You are a sight for sore eyes,I think have fallen in love with you" By now,the donkey was quite close to the lion,who suddenly extended his claws and sprang at her, but the donkey being young and well fed while the lion was sick and weak was able to escape with some bruises. A few days later, she returned to the mouth of the cave to see if the lion was still alive. "Did the love of my life return to see me again" started the lion. But the donkey would have none of that, "You tried to eat me the other day, so don't call me your love" "Well, began the lion with a sly look in his eyes, "You know am a violent creature,and that's also the way I show my love,I love you truthfully, you just have to teach me how to be gentle with you". "Well, said the donkey, stepping very close to the lion with love and tenderness but alas she never finished her sentence as the lion sprang on her and tore her throat with one huge bite. ....this is the end of the story" said the monkey "So you see, my dear Croc, it's best one finds love and friendship within like mannered people and if perchance you happen to escape from something that almost killed you whether in jest or earnestly, you must desist from such a thing, that is the Fisherman's donkey's theory"

Dating And Related Shenanigans

While single I had studiously avoided dating, I had desperately hated the idea of dating; it was quite unprecedented for a single person (who hated the idea of being single I might add) to detest the one thing that can change her status but there I was, I couldn't help myself. The dating scene was a vulgarity I couldn't stand. There was and still is, little or no spontaneity in it, nothing original.
People don't actually want to date (that's the sad,plain and painful truth). Everybody wants the perks that comes with dating without actually putting in work, so the end result is a half hearted attempt that will leave one or both parties feeling bereft and used at the end of it all.
Thinking back right now (in the comfort of my marital home, yes I finally went on a date phew!!). I think the worst part of a failed date is the conversations (yeesh!!!). One of my dates had turned the whole conversation into a sermon (I love me some Jesus but please!!!), while yet another date spent the entire outing describing in gory detail how he cut a woman open the day before to save her life and I was eating oh (I also decided there and then I can't have anything intimate with a doctor). So basically, my whole dating experience was hell and still is for most people if the stories I hear are anything to go by.
Now,(drum roll) this is a few guidelines for those who want to date and date right.......
*1*... if you're still trying to figure out your life, trying to understand yourself, if you're broke (esp for guys), if you still live with your parents (esp for guys), if you don't know what you want to do in life then dating is not for you. fact is if you don't have stability or a semblance of stability, dating will just mess things up for you. This is a communion between 2 people (casual flings, bed mate things, getting the groove on not included here), but you can't advice someone about his/her life when you're yet to figure yours out.
*2*... Be Precise: know what you want and get it. Understand what you need in the other person and make sure s/he has at list 60% of it.
When you call up to fix a date, don't say, " let's hang tonight na" (hang where? On a tree??) or "let's chill somewhere nice " (like a fridge???). Have a precise and nicely worded invite," hi, how are you? Would you like to go for dinner with me tommorrow by 8?. (see! English is not so hard)
*3*... Be Decisive: Now, make a sentence that best describes your intention towards the other person, highlighting their strong straits and how well suited to you they are; don't say, "don't say I like your smile and you open teeth, please be my girlfriend" (what are you? 12 or 15?), instead say, " I like your honesty and your amiable nature, your love for God and your beautiful smile, I feel you can be make me better and we will be beautiful together " (shikena).
Likewise, when you invite them to a date, do your scouting before hand and a choose a place that best

describes the ambience you want to create. Don't call and ask them to choose a place, it shows a lack of seriousness unless maybe you're married or engaged to the person.
*4*... Always Give Ample Notice: Don't call someone up by 5 and invite them out to dinner by 8, that's just crass and ratchet. Call a day before, make them look forward to the date and excited.
*5*... Call Timely To Check Up: call your counterpart from time to time, ask what they're doing, where they are, dressed or not e.t.c. You won't believe how many times someone stands you up because you didn't call to check up.
*6*... Make Your Conversation Interesting : Make interesting conversation..... talk about interesting things..... make your conversation interesting and finally please, try to talk about interesting things (thank You).
Make sure you have fun no matter who you date and what you do, if you must date (I really don't know why), you better do it in a way that's good for you and your mental stability. Don't be one of those people they'll say of, " S/He was doing alright until s/he started dating that person"...........